


The Family Ri Union

by Jimiel



Series: Family Functionality [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Race Changes, Because Fuck Canon - That's Why, Bilbo Took, Canon Characters Given Original Names, Character Death, Communal Bathing, Consent Issues, Dwarf Culture & Customs, Dwarf Gender Concepts, Dwobbit Bilbo Baggins, Dwobbits, F/M, Family Tree Rearranging, Female Bilbo Baggins, Found Family, Genderbending, Genderswap, Original Character(s), Ri Means Beauty, Unnamed Canon Characters Given Names
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23240134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jimiel/pseuds/Jimiel
Summary: Cleverly hidden within Erebor was a ring of power tainted with a foul aura. Bound and disguised, the ring remained hidden for many years. But rings of power are not so easily forgotten and this one... This one wanted to be found. Deep within Erebor a tiny magical rune, one of many etched into the metal that disguised the ring, flickered and began to dim.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Mystery Dwarf, Bombur/Faetrill, Dwalin/Nori, Dís/Fraylik, Glóin/Gísla
Series: Family Functionality [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1549462
Comments: 36
Kudos: 74





	1. Celebrations

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone is doing well in these troubling times!

Deep within Erebor there was a circular chamber. Perfectly centered within the chamber was a large table carved into a crescent moon shape. Two doors led into the chamber from opposite sides. A large ornate door was on either end of the curved sides of the table. One door led into an antechamber that housed matching rows of seats facing each other before another door led into a hallway beyond. The seats, it should be noted, were not nearly as comfortable as they looked. The door on the opposite side of the table led into another antechamber. This one held a bench in the middle, on one side was a row of hooks from which hung long, luxurious robes. On the opposite wall was an elegantly designed display table that housed a multitude of identical masks. Another door also led into a hallway. Within the main chamber itself, behind the thickest part of the curved table, was a solid stone wall from which many banners, worn with time and faded, hung from the high ceiling. The bottom edges were high above the head of any dwarf. Centered over the area the within the curve of the table, a massive crystal chandelier hung. Across from the banners, the place where another wall should have been was instead an open space with an unguarded sheer drop that led so far down that nothing could be seen below. In the distance, both above and below, the twinkling lights of the city of Erebor within the mountain could be seen as if the open wall was a large, glass free window. This was the chamber for the Inner Council of Erebor...

And it had yet to be used.

To the outside world, dwarven kingdoms were ruled as most other kingdoms were; by Kings with multiple advisors and nobles giving advice and offering assistance. While this was true of the kingdoms of men and elves, dwarves and hobbits did not follow this rule. Hobbits insisted they were not a kingdom and thus did not have a King. A deeper look into their history and one would find that their leader was in fact a steward awaiting the return of a specific King of Men. Dwarves, on the other hand, only appeared to follow these rules of governance. In truth, dwarven kings and nobles and advisors were merely figureheads to show to the outside world. They stood as the first line of defense to the true rulers of any dwarven kingdom... The true leaders of any dwarven kingdom were those that comprised what was called The Inner Council, or just the Council. And every member of The Inner Council was one blessed with Mahal's Gift and thus, in the eyes of dwarves, the most worthy of ruling. Only women were blessed with Mahal's Gift that allowed them to hear His Forge and guided them to the perfect sires with which to craft the best children.

When the great dwarven kingdom of Erebor had been reclaimed from the dragon Smaug, there had been traveling with the King only one person Blessed of Mahal that could have reforged Erebor's Inner Council. She had not wanted the task, but she had been forced by circumstances to take up the duty and reforge the Council. Her name was Bilbori Took. She was a descendant of the eldest child, a daughter, of Durin the Sixth, and technically of the elder line of Durin save for the fact that the founder of her line, Dáinari, Daughter of Durin, had received a vision from Mahal telling her to separate the line. The new line became known as House Ri and had, through circumstances, relocated to the dwarven kingdom of Belegost, home of the Broadbeam clan. It had been many generations before the House of Ri had once more met the primary line of Durin.

For a year after the reclaiming of Erebor, Bilbori ran the Council on her own. No other women had stepped forth. And with no one to apply for the task she wsa, for a time, the only dwarf woman in Erebor at all. As the only member of the Council, Bilbori had never bothered to do more than locate the Inner Council Chamber. Even now that she had appointed three new members to the Council, none of them bothered to use the official chamber. Traditionally they would wear robes that concealed them from head to toe and masks carved in the likeness of Mahal's face when dealing with Council matters. But this particular Council was formed of family members all, through choice or marriage. As such, Council meetings in those early years after reclaiming Erebor were far from traditional and formal.

"Why in the sodding hell are we dealing with Dáin's trade agreements with Rohan?" Bilbori yelled, throwing the scrolls down onto the floor of small meeting hall she had commandeered early on in the rebuilding of Erebor for dealing with Council matters. She was seated, as was her tendency, atop her desk. "Doesn't he have his own Council in the Iron Hills?"

What had been converted into a large and spacious office for Bilbori had since had more desks and chairs added so that her family, the other Council members, could work with her.

Faetrill, a dainty and delicate seeming dwarf, the wife of Bombur, spoke up. Her tone was disapproving. "Surely that's a matter that can be handled internally..."

The King's sister, Dís, snorted inelegantly. "You would think, but technically they are still Longbeards and Thorin is the King of the Longbeard clan... That puts us in charge of everything Longbeard."

"Why weren't we getting this kind of thing back in Belegost then?" Glóin's wife, Gísla wondered.

"Mostly likely because we were combined with the Broadbeam Council at the time." Dís shrugged.

"I notice that despite the fact that they claim to be Longbeards when it comes to paperwork they were certainly willing to throw their King to the wargs when it was time to reclaim the mountain." Bilbori hissed angrily.

Wincing slightly at the tone, for she had a firm memory of quite a few times she had been told her family had nearly been warg-food, Dís sighed. "That tends to happen when one kingdom is basically squatting within another..."

Gísla picked up the parchments to look at them. "What use do we get out of Dáin acquiring more ponies for his... Combat Theater?!" She sounded incredulous by the end.

"None!" Faetrill chirped. "Though admittedly they could also be used to cart supply wagons between the Iron Hills and here. But everyone knows dwarf mountain ponies are superior hitched to wagons than the things that come out of Rohan."

While Faetrill, Gísla, and Dís debated the worth and use of ponies designed for putting on theatrical shows, Bilbori considered the mountain of paperwork the Council of the Iron Hills regularly sent for approval from Erebor. Not to mention all the times Dáin had come directly to them trying to bypass his Council's Will. She frowned as an idea started to form.

"Ladies..." Bilbori was ignored and so she picked up the heavy, long handled scepter on her desk and slammed the end down onto the floor with a great thunk sound. It was excellent for getting attention and soon she had the attention of the rest of the Council. "I have the perfect idea for how to deal with Dáin!"

Bilbori started to speak... As she did, the other three started to grin as well.

Later that day, a raven flew toward the Iron Hills telling Lord Dáin that the Council of Erebor requested Dáin present himself and his heir in person the very next Durin's Day. Sure that was still eight months away, but the dread he would feel at the notice and the reminders they would send would appease them until they could enact their plan.

\- - -

Bilbori lay sprawled on her bed, her body still trembling with minute aftershocks as she panted in the heat of the room. It did not help that she had a heavy, solidly muscled 'blanket' half draped over her body while petting her skin... Skin that tingled everywhere the 'blanket' touched. Thick, calloused fingers traced runes on her abdomen where the flesh was still soft and pudgey nearly a year after giving birth. She did not like it, but when her 'blanket' slid down to press kisses into the pudge she could only smile contentedly before she raised her head to look down at the sweat damp hair of her dwarf.

"D'you know what you should do?" Her dwarf asked, kneading his fingers gently into her hips as he kissed his way back up before settling his chin on her sternum to gaze adoringly at her.

She hummed a questioning note, moving to press her fingers into his hair and curl the tips against his scalp.

The dwarf paused, shivering at the touch, before turning a starry-eyed look of wonder at her for the way she made him feel. "You should..." He hissed as her fingers tugged at his hair, drawing him up so she could pull him into a kiss. When he finally got control of his lips again, he continued. "Stop taking..." He paused for another kiss. "Your herbs."

Stopping, Bilbori tilted her head confusedly at him. "No."

He whined, flopping boneless beside her on the bed though their legs were still mostly tangled.

Rolling her eyes at his theatrics, Bilbori gave several small shoves to get him the rest of the way off of her so that the air could cool the sweat on her skin. "Kori's not even one yet."

He allowed himself to be shoved away, but he only gave her a minute before he was cuddling up against her side. "She needs a close sibling though. They're fun."

Bilbori shook her head, curling against him and resting her head on his upper arm. "She has Grélla for that."

"Cousins aren't the same as siblings." He pouted, nipping her finger when she reached up to flick his pouting lip.

"Are you saying I don't have fun with my brothers because they're not close?" She teased. Bilbori frowned when she saw his expression shift to something more sly and then he was somehow crowding closer than they already were.

"You've got so many siblings though..." He pressed a kiss to her lips, nipping the lower one as he dug a hand into her loose curls. "I want to see how many we can give Kori."

Bilbori's skin burned at the charge he had somehow amplified in their touches and she could almost swear he knew how to manipulate the tingling she felt when they touched. "She's not even weaned yet..." She felt his definite interest in trying anyway pressing into her hip.

"Well, we can practice anyway, right?" He wondered.

"If you stop talking about kids." She set the terms of the engagement as she moved to nip her teeth into his jaw.

"I can do that!" He promised, gripping her tightly and rolling them over before thoroughly distracting them both from the previous conversation.

\- - -

The hall was teeming with dwarves. The entire Company and all of their extended family members were there. The more prominent noble families that had returned to Erebor were present as well as random representatives from the common populace and their families as well. Even the royal family of the nearby Kingdom of Dale was present. The hall was decorated with jewels and tapestries and everywhere there were tables filled with food and baked treats. It was Fílikori's first birthday.

"Can you say, 'Ori?'" Ori asked Fílikori in a cutesy little voice. The girl just smiled and made random noises in response. That didn't stop Ori though and he continued trying. "Come on, say 'Ori!'"

"I don't think she's old enough, Ori." Bilbori commented, seating herself to eat a piece of cake next to where Ori was currently monopolizing the birthday girl.

"Nonsense. You were younger than her when you started talking."

"She's more dwarf than me." Bilbori pointed out the obvious. "How old were you when you started talking?"

"Ori was shy and almost four before he first spoke." Nori said, coming up behind them. "My turn!" He plucked the birthday girl from Ori's arms and bounced her to make her squeal before dancing across the room with her.

"Almost four, hmm?" Bilbori's sly smile was directed at Ori.

Ori blushed. "Well, I needed to say something important, I'm sure."

"One of our names are quite likely to be her first word, though." Dori commented as he moved to sit on Bilbori's other side. "And Ori's most likely by default just for how often she hears it from all of our names."

"What was Ori's first word?" Bilbori automatically wanted to know.

"His first sentence," corrected Dori, "was 'Bad Nori! No hide book!' After which Nori wrote that book you two used to love so much to distract Ori from trying to steal his gambling book."

Bilbori and Ori shared a grin, remembering the book they used to cart around at various times in their lives. It was the same book Bilbori had gotten Dori to read before she had moved to the Shire.

"We need to get someone to send us that book from Belegost." Ori stated, to which Bilbori instantly agreed.

"And my first word?" She wanted to know next.

"Nori." Both Dori and Ori lamented at the same time. And thankfully Nori was not there at the time or he would have been just as smug and gloating as he had been over a hundred years ago when it happened.

"Aww, poor Dori didn't get his little siblings to say his name." Bilbori cooed at her eldest brother, reaching out to pinch his cheeks.

Dori swatted her pinching fingers away. "Nonsense!" He declared, taking on a far superior tone. "I was Nori's first word and I'll never let him forget how much he really adores me."

Both Ori and Bilbori laughed.

When they calmed down, Bilbori glanced around to see if she could find Fílikori. Not that she had to look too hard. The tall figure of Legolas was following the current carrier of the birthday girl and his pale golden head was very easy to see above the dwarves. There were very few people present tall enough to match him. She saw him, weaving strangely through the crowd, and not very far from him was another familiar tall head, one with long brown hair.

\- - -

Legolas had never realized just how much of a delight it was to have younger siblings. At least, he had not realized it until a year ago when his exhausted Emig had placed the absolutely tiny bundle in his arms and said, "Meet your sister." He had blinked down at the little bundle that barely filled his cupped hands, saw the eyes barely open in that scrunched, pink face before falling closed again and he had fallen in love. Legolas's brain had gone blank and so he had done the first thing that came to mind... He had brushed a kiss to his tiny sister's forehead, pulled her close, and murmured, "Welcome to the family..." in the same way his Emig had done to him once upon a time in Mirkwood. Blushing, he had glanced up to see both his Emig and Atheg smiling fondly at the two of them. And now...

Now Legolas danced among those attending his sister's birth celebration. He ducked and dodged around a relatively small area. The area around which Crown Prince Fíli was standing as he held his heir; the birthday girl herself. Every time Legolas moved, Fílikori would swivel her head around to search and, when she saw her tall brother again after taking a moment for her eyes to refocus, she would squeal and wave her limbs. Legolas grinned not only at the tiny girl's joy in just seeing him, but in the added bonus of her giving enthusiastic kicks to Fíli's midriff!

Fíli turned to give Legolas an exasperated look from the elf's current position. "Really?"

"She's having fun. It is her day, after all..." When Fíli did not look the slightest bit amused, Legolas added, "Think of it as training!"

"I don't think I'm up for being thrashed by my heir this early in her training." Fíli mused, taking hold of one of Fílikori's waving arms and placing a kiss to the chubby fingers. Distracted by the baby, Fíli missed the way Legolas stood up straight before sketching a quick bow.

"My lady. How are you this joyful day?" Legolas inquired politely as Liltare wove her way over toward them.

"Legolas." She dipped her head in greeting to the other elf. "I was searching for the birthday girl and was directed to ask the 'walking bit of dandelion fluff.'" Liltare's lips quirked with amusement at what was obviously a quote.

Despite the implied insult, Legolas just smiled gayly. "Uncle Nori." He sounded amused, as if the quote were something one normally heard. "He had her, but as soon as he saw her..." Legolas jerked a thumb in Fíli's direction and had no need to continue.

In the year since her birth, it had become a well known fact that Fílikori spent most of her time with Fíli. The crown prince had petitioned to be her parent before she had been born, even naming her his heir while she was still being forged. It was no secret that he was enamored of the youngster. The others in her rather large family had to enforce a schedule if they wanted to spend any time with the little girl. Or, like Thorin tended to do, they had to sneak in early and collect her from her parents before Fíli got a chance.

Liltare turned from Legolas to see Fíli pressing kisses to Fílikori's chubby fingers while listening to a dwarf she had yet to be introduced to speak. Once the other dwarf left, she moved over and stepped in front of Fíli. Not noticing the way he stiffened, she looked down at the one-year-old, "Greetings and well wishes upon you this glorious day, Princess."

Fílikori recognized Liltare and gurgled, reaching a hand for the elf.

Beaming, Liltare leaned down to press a kiss to Fílikori's brow.

Legolas, having seen the way Fíli had frozen, felt his eyes widen with glee. This. This was what his Emig had been muttering to his Atheg about! Without a second thought, Legolas stumbled on thin air and bumped into Fíli's back!

Fíli stumbled forward at the abrupt weight of an elf being shoved into him and right into the path of the kiss Liltare had intended for Fílikori! He gasped, eyes going wide at the petal soft press against his temple. He felt his face burn, unable to move, frozen in shock even as the lips moved swiftly back.

"Oh! Pardon me! I think I was bumped..." Legolas said, his tone very false. He admired the stupefied look on Fíli's overly red face and the contemplative look on Liltare's before he swept Fílikori out of the sling Fíli wore. "I think the princess is hungry!" He turned in the direction he last saw his Emig, grinning when he saw her and his uncles laughing over something as he made his escape. Twitching his ear, Legolas could not help but grin larger as he heard Fíli coming out of his shock.

"I'm sorry! That was bad... Wait, not bad! It was perfect... For the princess! A perfect gift... I couldn't have wanted better... I mean, she couldn't have wanted better... Oh! Look, there's amad... I have to go!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But Jimiel, we know who the mystery dwarf is! Why are you writing this in Mystery Dwarf format and even tagging it that way?!" Easy, because I don't want any Cheating McCheaters that haven't finished TFR to sneak peek on who the Mystery Dwarf is!
> 
> Please do not expect daily updates as I did with TFR. That wore me out.
> 
> **Random Fic Fact:** Once upon a time the Family Ri was intended to be a single story of perhaps 25 chapters. Around chapter 40 I had a wonderfully punny idea for a title name and so the idea for a single story encompassing it all was binned and thus... The Family Ri Union was planned. How many can say they've been looking forward to one of those? *winks*


	2. Subsection Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it has been a while. But I did warn that this one would not be updated regularly... I apologize and hope everyone enjoys this! Remember, the rating of this one is a bit more than the previous. *winks*

Fíli tilted his head slightly, feeling the length of his own golden hair slide over his entire back to below his waist. It had gotten longer and heavier since Erebor had been reclaimed, far more than other members of the Company. He liked to think that it was his body's use of the nutrients it had once sent to his left arm, sending it instead to the roots of his hair and helping it to grow lush and thick. And as much as he hated it, he was going to have to ask his sister-in-law to cut it for him. His hair had been hard enough to take care of with just the one arm before, but now it was nearly impossible. Not that he minded the grooming sessions, his close family members taking turns brushing and combing the golden locks before pulling it back into a thick braid that left his normal twin braids on either side of his face hang free. His beard was longer too, but hardly as noticeable.

He sighed with contentment, watching in the mirror as Bilbori tied off the end of the long braid. She had arrived early that day and offered to help him before partaking in the experiments he had agreed to and he had accepted. Fíli longed for the affection to see him through what was to come and she was soon smiling at him in the mirror. For a moment, the dwarf let himself remember the crush he still kind of had on the dwobbit, just for a moment. It would be easy to forget he liked her at all soon enough.

"I don't know how you manage it, Fíli, I really don't. It's a very heavy braid." Bilbori lifted the braid up high enough that the weight of hair was no longer pulling on the prince's scalp.

Fíli nearly went lightheaded at the way it felt to not have the pull. "I have been considering asking you to cut it for me... To the length it was on the quest." He confessed, voice soft as if expecting some random dwarf to scream and swoon at the idea of the prince's locks being cut.

Bilbori paused, her reflection looking down at the braid before she slowly let it rest against his back once more. "If you did choose to do that, I would be honored."

Smiling, Fíli braced himself as he stood. "Where did you wish to experiment today?"

"Here will work," the halfling said as she moved to stand in front of him.

"Here?" The prince frowned, confused. They were in his bedroom...

"Yes, definitely here, I think." Bilbori reached to take Fíli's hand within her own. She started by massaging his fingers and palm before moving to his wrist and then his forearm.

Fíli stared, transfixed, as the halfling princess that ruled Erebor massaged his hand and arm. He knew he should not let the simple actions relax him. He knew that as soon as he felt the expectant tension leave his body that she would strike. He knew this. And yet...

As soon as Bilbori would feel Fíli relax she... Wait? Why was she waiting? She was humming and turning his calloused hand palm up to press into the meaty part of the palm with her thumbs. She had to have felt him tense again at the lack of instant attack, but instead she just smiled at him!

The prince tentatively returned the smile and huffed a small laugh at his paranoia. A huff that instantly turned into a yelp of pained surprise when Bilbori used her grasp on him to twist his arm harshly.

Bilbori turned into that twist, raising the arm over her head and stepping so that she was behind Fíli and, with her new position, she shoved him forward until he hit the desk in front of which she had been standing!

"Fuck! Bilbo!" Fíli half growled, half whined to the dwobbit.

"Tsk, tsk, your highness." Bilbori's voice taunted out of sight. "You know what I want from you." One of her hands shoved between his shoulder blades until his chest was pressed onto the surface of the desk. "Are you going to make me take it?"

Fíli felt a whine leave his throat as his arm was pushed higher up his back and the muscles pulled painfully. Mahal curse her! He swore in the privacy of his head, knowing better than to say something like that aloud. His stupid, idiotic brother could have the vicious she-demon! What did he ever see in her?!

Despite feeling Bilbori use her cursed Ri strength to pin his right arm behind him, Fíli felt her move her left hand up his side and he shivered at the touch through his tunic. Her left hand paused soon after, cupping around the end of the stump where Fíli's left arm ended. He whined again when he felt her focusing her abilities on his arm, the skin prickling at the brush of magic. The magic and the touch did not linger and soon she slid her hand further up, threading her fingers into his hair to brush against his scalp and within minutes she shoved, pinning his head on the desk. The tingle started again soon after.

To Fíli's dismay, it seemed this particular experiment was not a quick one and he shifted uncomfortably at the way his brother's wife was nearly plastered over his back, holding his arm between their bodies and not letting either of them move. He was heavier and could probably throw her off, but he would not be able to break that grip and she would put him in a world of hurt if he messed up an experiment he agreed to assist her with...

"Fíli." Bilbori's voice whispered after a moment.

"What?" His reply was embarrassingly high-pitched.

"You're supposed to be struggling to get your arm free..."

"Oh..." Right, of course. The experiments always involved Fíli moving his remaining arm in some way or another while the halfling used her magic on either his stump or his head. But never like this... With her pressed so intimately against him and him in such a vulnerable position!

Finally the golden prince tried to struggle. This was the hard part. Bilbori was only half dwarf, but she was nearly all Ri when it came to strength and Fíli... He had never been the strongest of dwarves.

"You're getting stronger."

Fíli felt himself blush at the compliment from someone with legendary Ri strength. He pulled again, twisting to try and break free. He only succeeded in getting her to settle more firmly against him and he blanched at the way his body reacted to the position! It felt like a jolt of fire!

"Oh, that was better..." Her whisper told him. "Do it again..."

No! Fíli thought. I don't want to! And yet he did anyway, because there was no way he was going to explain to his brother's wife that he was starting to get hard from her experiments! Unfortunately the struggling she demanded was having the opposite effect of his wishes!

"Now you're starting to want to get free." She said as if he did not realize this already. "Oops!"

And suddenly her grip on his wrist shifted and Fíli thought he would break free... But then she griped tighter, pulled his arm up higher, and thrust her pelvish into his backside, grinding him into the desktop!

Fíli let out a sound that was part pained cry, part aroused gasp, and part failed attempt at strangling any sounds at all! He could not help it when his body instinctively pressed back into the rough treatment...

Bilbori's actions paused for just a moment and Fíli knew he was busted, whimpering in terror at the scorn he knew was about to fall on him-

"Do you like that?" Her voice teased.

Or not.

The she-demon actually thrust against his backside again and Fíli made a strangled whimper as his now fully hard cock was pressed between his abdomen and the desk.

Brother's wife. Brother's wife. Brother's wife... Fíli screamed inside of his head, trying to control his body's reactions to the stimulus.

"Should I let Kíli know?" The demon wondered, grinding against the prince's backside.

"No!" was his yelped response.

"No? What about... Oh, I bet that's why you like Kori so much, isn't it?" The evil creature wondered in a sultry tone. "You like to press your nose into those golden curls and pretend it was your bed I was called to, don't you?"

"Never!" This year... Right? It was... Still early in the year, but he'd only done that... A couple times, right? Who counted how many dozens it was! He loved that baby girl in her own right! She was his baby, damn it!

"No?" The question was mocking, the demon not believing his answer. "It could have been..." She leaned to whisper into his ear, the tone barely audible even as close as she was, "It could still be... I could hear him again, you know..." She wiggled atop him. "I could hear him any minute..."

Fíli struggled, not wanting to think of what might happen if she did hear the things she was saying... Why was she even saying it? "Stop..."

"Stop?" The she-demon said, as if it were a word she had never heard before. "Are you sure? Because you're rubbing against me in a way that says you don't want me to stop..." Another buck and Fíli cried out at the jolt of pleasure. "You could have had me after the battle, you know." She teased. "Kíli didn't really remember, he was drunk in Lake Town you know. You could have stepped up before he did, and I would have let you."

She would not have... Would she? Fíli's struggles faltered briefly and then he felt a nip at his ear!

"I would have lain with you, been a good little wife, had your daughter... All without knowing any different..."

But... She adored Kíli! Something was wrong with her... Fíli really started to struggle against the demon that had to have taken over his sister-in-law and heart. He arched his back, trying to raise up off of the desk only to be shoved back into place.

"Now, now... You wanted to experiment. Remember..." Her fingers caressed his scalp and Fíli wanted to cry with frustration.

"I could let you take me now."

The prince froze under the touch and from the impact of the words. His body was hyper aware of the wait she pushed one of her knees up between his legs from behind until her thigh was intimately caressing him.

"We would have to hurry though... It's nearly lunch already and we wouldn't want the poor elves going by on their way from the gardens to be traumatized by the cries one of us would make, would we?"

Elves... Elves from the gardens... Lil... Liltare! Fíli's mind flashed and he struggled, but the grip Bilbori had him in was like mithril and the new position of her leg stole any previous leverage he had possessed. He desperately tried to get the demon off of him! "Stop it, Bilbo!"

Bilbori chuckled harshly and licked along the shell of his ear like a...

Why was she not stopping?! Wait... She-demon. Evil... She... She had known that sometimes her experiment would stress him out and that she would have to push him beyond saying stop. When they started she had made him agree to a code word! What was it? Pears? Radishes? No, of course! "PARSNIPS!"

Instantly Bilbori released her hold on Fíli and stepped back. She moved over to where she had left a stack of parchments and started writing down the results of her just finished experiment while Fíli caught his breath. After a few minutes for him to relax, she returned, carefully massaging his arm and shoulder for any stress she had put on it during the experiment.

Fíli pressed his forehead against the desk, willing his erection to go away as he received the tender aftercare. His body would be fine, but she was utterly evil. He heard a noise and whined painfully when his bedroom door opened.

"I heard!" Kíli's gleeful voice said as the younger prince leaned against the frame of the door. "What was it that made him cave?"

"Reminding him that his crush on a certain elf is bigger than his crush on me," was the she-demon's smug reply.

"I fucking hate you both." Fíli stated once he felt he could speak normally.

"I love you too, big brother!" Kíli chortled. "Hey, you okay?" The younger dwarf put a comforting hand on Fíli's shoulder since the elder prince was still face down on the desk.

"'m fine. You two can go now."

"Fíli..." Kíli sounded uncertain. "Did she take it too far?"

Bilbori's massage work paused uncertainly, wondering what the prince's response would be.

Fíli's first instinct was to say that yes, she had taken it too far! But no, thinking back over the things she had said... Everything was written out in the contract they had agreed upon for the experiments. "No." He finally sighed and melted slightly when the massage resumed.

"Would you like to enact article three, section eighty-six, subsection twelve of the contract?" Bilbori's voice was absolutely professional when she asked the question.

Kíli sucked in his breath sharply before holding it so as not to sway Fíli's choice.

Fíli knew the cause of that reaction well. He had the exact same one! Article three, section eighty-six, subsection twelve was one Fíli had memorized mostly from shock that Bilbori insisted it exist in the first place... The subsection stated that if Bilbori took that aspect of the experimentation too far then she was obligated and expected to offer relief in any bodily form Fíli chose within a certain parameter! He could, literally, have sex with his brother's wife if he decided to enact that particular subsection of the contract!

Unable to stop himself, Fíli rolled over, pulling his arm from Bilbori's grasp and using it to push himself up so he could look at her. She looked... Curious?! But then again, she had just been experimenting so she was probably still in an analytical mindset. He turned his attention to his brother, fully expecting to see anger on his brother's face.... But no! Not even there!

Kíli was often called a daft fool and Fíli felt himself agreeing because the daft fool had a wide-eyed look of fascination. Almost as if he wanted Fíli to enact the subsection! And that if Fíli did enact it then he would in turn enact the first amendment to the entire contract, one Kíli had insisted upon himself... The amendment allowed for Kíli to have the choice as to if he wished to watch article three, section eighty-six, paragraph twelve happen! And amendment two allowed him permission to ask for an invitation to participate!

Fíli almost felt like a cornered animal at the way the married couple was looking at him... Or maybe he was a piece of meat?! His brother! And his crush, no sister-in-law... Heart-sister! He glanced at Bilbori again and she had her eyes on his groin, one of her brows raised and Fíli followed her look to see that he was still enormously aroused and tenting his poor trousers something awful.

"No!" He squeaked, pushing off of the desk. "That won't be necessary... I'll... See you later."

Fíli, brave prince of Erebor that had lost a limb in defense of the kingdom, fled from what was essentially an open invitation to sleep with someone he had had a crush on for years and hid in his bathroom until he heard them leave and felt he could safely take himself in hand to relieve his problem.

\- - -

Bilbori regarded the toddler that stood on her lap, tiny feet planted solidly on her thighs. She held the little one's hands, helping the girl to keep steady with her miniature hands gripped tightly onto Bilbori's thumbs. The steady stance only held for a moment before chubby little legs bent and the girl bounced herself up an inch or two before landing heavily back onto Bilbori's thighs.

"Oof!" Bilbori pretended to wince. "Is that any way to treat your poor, old mam?"

Fílikori giggled and bounced again.

"Which one of your uncles has been teaching you to be so mean?" Bilbori fake whined.

Impishly, Fílikori just giggled harder as she bounced.

"I bet it was Papa Thorin, wasn't it?" Bilbori growled softly, wrinkling her nose as she smiled at the toddler who only laughed in response.

"I did no such thing." Thorin rumbled from the other side of the common room where he was peering through a pair of spectacles at a proposal before it could be presented to the Council.

Bilbori stuck her tongue out in Thorin's direction, causing Bofur to laugh from where he was working on little chips of wood for some purpose he had yet to declare. "That sounds like an admission to me..." Bilbori confided to her daughter. "It was Papa Thorin, wasn't it?" She nodded her head.

Mimicking her mother, Fílikori nodded her head, grinning widely.

Gasping, Bilbori declared, "I knew it!"

Thorin snorted and shook his head, continuing with his work.

"Well there's something you don't see every day." Ori stated as he arrived with Balin from whatever they had been doing in the archives. "My sister actually getting to spend time with her daughter!" He feigned shock as he sat down on the sofa near his sister. "Who did you have to steal her from to get this treat?"

Making a face, Bilbori shook her head. "No one. She was with her Papa Bifur and his head started to hurt so he brought her to me."

Ori made a sympathetic sound. "Óin hasn't found anything to help Bifur's headaches yet?"

"No," Bilbori winced when Fílikori landed painfully on a spot that had surely bruised by now and her resulting oof was genuine that time. "I have an idea, but it would require a trip to Thranduil's palace." She looked into the deep brown eyes of her daughter. "What do you think, my precious? Do you want to go see your brother's old house?"

All four males present paused to look over at the princesses.

"You'd take Kori?" Bofur asked, voice studiously neutral.

Bilbori made a disbelieving sound. "She's still nursing, of course I'd take her..." She shook her head, leaning in to rub her nose against Fílikori's neck to hear the girl laugh again. "Silly men, as if I'd leave my precious behind."

Balin frowned thoughtfully. "Well, we know Kíli would go. And if Bifur were going..." He drew a hand down the length of his beard.

"And me." Bofur said, tossing one of the wood chips he'd been fiddling with into a box of them he'd been accumulating.

"And Bofur." Balin nodded. "Not to mention your guards..."

Bilbori made a face at the mention of the small contingent of guards that had been assigned to her, Kíli, and Fílikori ever since the militia had filled out enough for proper royal escorts.

"What about Legolas?" Ori asked.

"That would be up to him." Bilbori shrugged.

"What would be up to who?" Kíli wondered as he, Fíli, and Dwalin arrived from what looked like a sweaty training session. He automatically moved over to tickle under Fílikori's chin.

Dwalin immediately headed into the kitchen attached to their common room.

Fílikori instantly let go of her mother's thumbs between one bounce and the next and launched herself into her father's arms with a squeal.

Fíli moved over to lean against the back of the sofa and peer down at Kíli and Fílikori.

"Bilbori's planning a trip to Mirkwood." Ori stated. "We were just discussing who all was going."

"Me." Kíli said, without even bothering to hear the rest of the information.

Everyone rolled their eyes at the predictable answer from the prince.

"I would need to contact Thranduil first. He might not even agree."

"What are you talking about? Thranduil loves you..." Kíli sounded genuinely confused.

Bilbori sighed and ruffled her husband's hair. "You love me. I stole Thranduil's child."

"Our child." Kíli looked instantly offended that she'd insinuate anything else.

"Why?" Dwalin wondered, emerging from the kitchen with a tray of cookies.

"Bifur's headaches. There's something there that might help him."

There were several more sympathetic noises. Bifur had been prone to headaches ever since he had gotten an axe lodged in his skull. When the axe had been lost during battle they had thought the headaches would go away. Instead the headaches had eased up some, but came more regularly.

"So Bifur, Bilbo, Kíli," pausing to glance at here Bofur nodded, Fíli continued, "Bofur, and their guards on a trip to Mirkwood for a possible cure?" Fíli looked around, his words slowing as no one looked at him. "I take it... Legolas is the... One you're not sure is going." His eyes were narrowed by the time he finished.

Bilbori studiously leaned to pay attention to where Kíli was making their daughter giggle.

"Kori's going." Bofur tattled.

"What?!" Fíli jolted upright. "You are not taking my baby into Mirkwood!"

"Don't be ridiculous." Dís said, swatting Fíli upside his golden head as she entered with Gísla and Grélla. "Of course she would take her child. I took you and your brother everywhere."

"Well then I'm going too." Fíli declared.

"No." Thorin, Dís, Bilbori, Kíli, Gísla, and Balin all said at once.

Fíli made an outraged sound.

"There will already be too much of a risk with the Head of the Council," Bilbori made a face at Thorin's words, "a prince, two princesses," it always felt weird that her that her titles registered her as two different people in some situations, "so many nobles of the Company," yes, they were all nobles from that alone now, weren't they? "and their assorted guards all leaving. The crown prince cannot leave as well."

The crown prince drew himself up. He took a deep breath and everyone knew from the look on his face he was going to argue. "And yet the king, crown prince, prince, advisors..."

"I need one of my sons here with me to help keep their father grounded while I finish forging their new sibling." Dís announced bluntly and the dam had every eye in the room locked on her, including the just arrived Faetrill and Bombur!

Faetrill gasped, "You too?! I thought I was going to be the only one!" She scampered over to clasp Dís into a hug.

Bombur was blushing and looked as pleased as could be with the situation he had placed his wife in.

"Mam?" Fíli murmured, moving to stand near where she was hugging the slight Faetrill. Kíli soon joined him and then they and several others were smothering the two dams into a hug right up until the dams started to literally shove them away.

"We still need air, you fools." Dís snarled.

It should be noted that Thorin had wisely not moved a muscle since Dís's announcement.

Balin started to get up to offer congratulations when Thorin pulled him back into his chair.

"Do not move!" The king hissed at his long time friend. "That's how she hunts!"

Bilbori laughed as her ridiculous family settled into the news that it would soon be growing larger yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if any of you have seen it, but my beloved friend got my brain captured on an MGiME fic not long after I posted chapter one of this story. That story is called [Caught In A Fantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270674) and as of chapter 15 is being co-authored by that same beloved friend [Artemisdesari](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artemisdesari/)! Unfortunately we have always been very good at egging each other on and so that story is absolutely eating my brain since I started it despite my dislike of the MGiME trope. I was surprised I got this chapter out at all. Surprised and very happy!
> 
>  **Random Fact:** The auctioneer from the PJ Hobbit film series that was selling Bilbo's belongings was named Tosser Grubb of Messrs Grubb, Grubb and Burrowes, a notary firm in the Shire. Tosser is British slang for an obnoxious jerk or a wanker, both Tosser and Wanker can be used for someone who masturbates. I just thought it was hilarious that the 'obnoxious jerk' actually wasn't much of a Tosser in the movie since he easily accepted the contract as proof of Bilbo's identification and stopped the auction. He should have demanded two forms of picture identification!


End file.
